That’s where I’m at right now. Second guessing every move I’ve made over the last few years.

Questioning my ability at being a good nurse.

Questioning my ability to be a good mom. Or a good wife.

Questioning why I should continue with school.

I think I should be a Wal-Mart cashier. Or maybe a greeter. I could hand out stickers.

I’m sure this is just a mood that I’m in. I’ve had a really difficult week a work. I’ve been on 3 hospice visits and each of those patients have died within 24 hours. Another 2 of my patients were admitted to the hospital. Am I missing something? I used to take pride in my assessment skills. I could spot a PE from a mile away. I could tell when a full blown CHF exacerbation was going to occur. I was your “go to” girl when you needed an IV started.

Now, I have a little black rain cloud of doom following me into every patients’ home.

I’d like to say that tomorrow will be better. Basically because I have the day off. But I doubt it.

Maybe I’ll just hit the highlights.

• I got a new job! I’m now a home health/hospice nurse. And so far I’m loving it. I still work for the same organization, just a different branch. I have regular hours (8-4:30) and have the same day off every week. This job is so different from the hospital. I actually get to spend time with the patient and their family without being called out of the room every 5 mins. I have the time to teach the patient about their disease and what to expect. I love it For the first time in a very long time, I don’t dread going to work.
• My Emily came to visit me for a long weekend on March! I loved having her here! She survived meeting my husband, kids, and all 3 dogs. Luna, my pug, has made a new BFFL. I can’t wait to see here again…..
• M4!! Its just over a month away. This is the Midwest Mafia Meet-up in Milwaukee. Its a chance to meet up with some great people that I met last summer and see a few other friends that are out of state. I can’t wait until June 18th.
• My baby girl has officially started driver’s ed. She can’t get behind the steering wheel until August 5th (that’s when she’s 15 1/2), but she’s in the classroom portion now. She loves it. And when I drive she points out everything I do wrong. Her driving career may be over before it starts.

Hmm, 4 highlights. That doesn’t really seem like a lot. I intend to be here more often. I’ve kind of forgotten that it feels good to get stuff out. Heaven knows that I can babble on and on about most anything

I think I’ll keep this short and sweet. I’d hate to get cramps in my fingers from typing on my first visit back here.

My own classes have been going good. I like this school much more than the other one I attended. I’m actually learning things, and the professors email back with in 24 hours, if not the same afternoon. And assignments aren’t due every week…that’s where the learning comes from. They take time to make sure we understand the content. Only 3 papers per 8 week class. I’m a lot less stressed. Which is always a good thing.

I’ve gotten Taylor sucked into watching “Supernatural”. We joke about that a lot. I think I’ve also completely screwed up her chances of having a love life. She’s convinced that love isn’t real. That all it leads to is  heartache. She thinks its entails a lot of fighting, and that it jut isn’t worth it.

I don’t know if I’ve ever shared that my divorce with her biological father was finalized on her 2nd birthday. I tried to get the court date changed. But it would’ve been another 6 months to get a new date. I couldn’t stand the thought of being legally married to the asshole, so that’s the date I kept. I tried to look at it as the best present I could’ve ever given her…..a chance to start a new life, to really have a chance. I never thought that he would skip out on his responsibilities. And that he would have no use from her.

I see the look on her face when she talks about her boyfriend. Her eyes sparkle. Even when she tells me she’s not sure if she still likes him, her eyes have this sparkle to them. I tell her that its ok to like him. Its ok to care about someone. But she’s so afraid of the hurt. I hate seeing that she’s so guarded and walled off. That breaks my heart. Somehow, I’ve given her false realities about love and relationships. She and I have had talks over the past few nights. She knows how I feel and what I think. She also thinks I’m full of crap when it comes to this.

Changing topics, I’ve just finished reading “Nineteen Minutes” by Jodi Picoult. Its about a school shooting and what lead to it. It was very thought provoking. I cried in more than one part of it. I highly recommend it.

I also just finished spending my Valentine’s Day iTunes gift card. I decided to celebrate my junior high and high school days. I got some Tiffany, Belinda Carlisle, and Debbie Gibson It makes me happy…hehehe.

And that’s about all that’s new with me over the past few weeks. As you can see….boring. And sometimes, that’s ok.

I found out a couple of weeks ago that I was being permanently switched to working the 3p-3am shift. Those of you that have been my friends for awhile know that I used to love this shift. When my kids were younger. And the age gap between them wasn’t so noticeable.

I wasn’t asked if I wanted to switch. I wasn’t even told. I noticed the change in my schedule and I asked my supervisor. When she said it was a done deal, I broke down. I don’t cry at work. Actually, I try not to cry at work unless I’m locked in the bathroom.

Working pm’s just isn’t working for my family anymore. Now that Taylor is in high school, she likes to do things with friends. Which means she doesn’t need to get picked up until 10pm or sometimes a little later. If I’m working, Travis has to get Seth dressed and take him out. Once that little boy gets his second wind, he doesn’t fall asleep for anything. When I get home at 4 in the morning, he is often still awake waiting for me to get home. Did I mention that he has Pre-K that starts at 9am? I’m sure you can see the problem here.

I asked about switching back to my 3am-3pm shift. I can do it. But it means giving up being a charge nurse.

I didn’t realize just how much that would effect (or affect) me. Sorry Sarah…I’ll never learn that English rule

I really agonized over this decision. Travis and I had several talks. I went to both kids and asked them. Taylor wanted me home, so did Seth. So why is this such a hard decision?

Its because as much as I bitch about the stress and the micromanaging that I’m under. I’m a good charge nurse. My staff loves me. I’m fair when it comes to making assignments, I answer call lights, I do whatever I can to help my team. I make a difference.

I called home last week to say good night. Seth wouldn’t talk to me. I could hear him tell Travis that he was mad at me because I wasn’t home to tuck him in and read his book.

That broke my heart. And it made my decision.

The next day I went into work early and gave my answer. I am no longer going to be a charge nurse. I will go back to floor nursing. I will still make a difference.

I can’t believe I ever had to think twice about this.

I had a paper or group project due every week. If I had a question about a topic or the assignment, I would email the professor. This school has a 72 hour turnaround time for professors to answer emails. When you have a paper due in 7 days, waiting for 3 days can cause a bit of anxiety. Especially if your answer was a 2 sentence reply that didn’t answer crap. Then I would send a reply. Wait 3 days. Die a little more each day.

So, I did something I have never done before. I quit school. Right in the middle of a class. I contacted the new school I am attending. I asked them if the class I was in would transfer. They said no. I said thank you for giving the best new ever. So I had the whole month of December off.

I cleaned my house from top to bottom. There wasn’t a piece of dog hair to be found anywhere. Each  toy was placed in its proper home every day. I baked Christmas cookies and candy. I had fun with my kids. And most importantly….I wasn’t a bitch! I know. Its a shocker.

I’m on day 2 of this new school. And I love it. I’ve send emails to both professors and have received a reply back in less than 24 hours. I’m currently taking Principles of Economics. This class scares the crap out of me. I haven’t taken a non-science or non-nursing related class in over 8 years. Its like I’m reading a foreign language. I’m also taking Health Information for Nursing. This is about doing research from reputable sites on the internet. Its actually kinda interesting. Also, I don’t have assignments due every week. I actually have time to fully do the readings, participate in the discussions, and LEARN!

I’m excited. Oh, I only have to take 12 classes, then I graduate with my BSN! I want to prove to myself that I can do this. I think I found the school that will help me.

However, I’m all about self-discovery. And this year I’ve learned  few things about myself and life.

I’ve learned…….

its ok to let kids be kids. They don’t need to be thrown into 15 different extracurricular activities, or be pushed to learn how to count to 50. They are entitled to have a life and enjoy childhood.

its ok to not have the right thing to say all the time. Sometimes all that is needed is a person who cares. It can be even be over the phone or email if distance is an issue.

its ok to doubt yourself. If you didn’t, you would never experience the joy of finishing something or excelling in a class.

its ok to make a complete ass of yourself. Good heavens, I do this on a daily basis. This gives me the opportunity to laugh and to remind myself (and others) that I am a person.

its ok to not like mushrooms. I tried them. Again. I still don’t like them. I’m 99.9% positive that I never will. Its actually a fungus people. A FUNGUS!!! Enough said.

its ok to sing at the top of your lungs in the car. Yes, the person in the car next to you may laugh. But so what? They’re just jealous that they aren’t confident enough to sing. And besides, the car doesn’t care if you can carry a tune.

its ok to have Dairy Queen blizzards for dinner. This is what gets you Mother if the Year nominations.

its ok to make your child do chores. Even when they whine that you’re ruining their life. This is what takes away those Mother of the Year nominations.

its ok to be in a funk at times. Its a natural part of life. Not everything works out perfectly.

its ok to be overwhelmed. Thankfully I have friends that worry about me and are willing to listen. I’ve also learned that they feel overwhelmed a lot, too.

The biggest thing that I’ve learned over this past year is that I love my family and friends. I’m so thankful for each and everyone of them. Without their support, I never would have made it through 2009. I’ve realized that I am lucky. And this year I intend to focus on the positive and the good. Because its there. Its always been there.

I remember this like it was yesterday…it was actually last week Tuesday. This is a true story.

I was backing out of my driveway on my way to pick up Seth from pre-k. I managed to back out of the garage without hitting anything or running over any stray toys in the driveway. I’m also kinda reverse challenged

Anyway, I got onto my street and noticed something kinda flicker in my peripheral vision. I didn’t think much of it. I figured it was either my hair or a shadow moving.

Then, the shadow moved a little more. By now I had only driven a few feet down the street. I actually turned my head to see what was moving.

It was a spider. A big, icky, body as big as my thumb, albino spider.

I slammed on the brakes and screamed like a little schoolgirl. I also thought it was on the outside of my window and figured the ind would blow it off. So, I started driving down the street again.

That fricking spider moved. Again. This is when I realized that icky thing was on the INSIDE of my car! As in 2 inches away from my head. It could, very easily, jump from the window and on me. And then attack me and cover me in icky spider bites.

I’ve seen those spider horror movies. I know what happens. Its gonna try to lay eggs in my and have me be a super human spider baby incubator.

This is when I at in a very calm and rationale manner. I through the car in park, open the door, and jump into the road. The problem? I’m a safe driver and my seat belt was securely fastened. So, I tried to get out of the door while wiggling out of the seat belt.

In hindsight it would’ve played out much better for me if I had actually unbelted, but again. I was trying to save myself from the spider baby infestation. Oh, and I was very calm. If calm means screaming, crying, and literally almost having a heart attack.

It also never occurred to me that I was trying to get out the same door that the spider was on. Its probably a good thing that I didn’t realize that

I also didn’t notice, until I was half out of the car, that it wasn’t in park. I slammed it into reverse.

So now I’m half hanging out the door, one foot on the ground, still semi seatbelted, trying to stop the car. I’m also beyond hysterical by this point.

Thankfully, there was some dude walking his dog. Even more thankfully was the fact that he wasn’t busy laughing his ass off at me and the spectacle I’m sure I was causing. He was nice enough to come over to me and smush the spider. He wanted to flick it off the window and let it go free.

I was all like “oh hell no!”. That thing tried to attack me. Spidey was going down. Besides, what if it didn’t get all the way dead? Then it would just harbor resentment and get really big, then come after me again. Spidey had to be smushed to smithereens.

I owe my life to this dog walking guy. Even though he was laughing as he walked away. Loudly laughing. Whatever.

I don’t like spiders.

It starts the same. The stress about money, bills, where to come up with $600 for the down payment the orthodontist needs for Taylor’s braces. Where will the money come from for Christmas? Then, I start thinking about the holidays. Usually I try to work as many as I can. This year, I’m only working Thanksgiving. I have to face the fact that we celebrate holidays alone.

I look around my living room. I can snuggle with my dogs, and my kids. I feel nothing. I feel so empty on the inside. I can smile and put on a show. But on the inside I am crying. On the inside it hurts. I can feel those hands trying to pull me under. I can feel myself trying to struggle to keep breathing. But its hard. And its not new. I will keep breathing.

This morning my professor sent us an email wishing us good luck in our future classes and to send him an email if we need any help or just to say hi…..blah blah blah. Then he tells us that he graded our papers and group projects extra hard. Why? It seems that because so many of my classmates, myself included, do want to go on to graduate school. That being said, he decided to grade our papers to grad school standards…..without telling us! Who does that?

I will admit that my paper writing skills are rusty. Its been awhile since I’ve had to do a research paper or write academically. I’m starting to get the hang of this damn APA thing. My papers have met all the requirements that were listed on the grading rubric. I can see taking a point or so off for an iffy introduction, or I didn’t line up my reference page properly. But to continually give me 80% and then tell me that I’m doing an “excellent job”….blow me.

I had so many other things I wanted to write about. My 10 year wedding anniversary was on Friday. I’ve been in a really bad place lately and want to quit school. My baby girl had her first homecoming dance. Instead, I’m writing about this prick of a teacher because he pissed me off and I just had to whine about it.

And to top it all of, its snowing outside! Yuck.

Let’s see. I started school. That “C” I was whining about? In the grand scheme of things, it really didn’t matter all that much. I ended up with an A for the class. I’m now into week 2 of my second class. Its Professional Nursing Practice. It takes about critical thinking, professionalism, ways to make nursing a more professional profession. Wow, that’s a lot of ways to use the word profession Anyway, my teacher for this class is not my favorite. He gave me a grade that I didn’t agree with and I asked him for feedback so I didn’t make the mistake again. His response, read the syllabus. Well Holy Batshit, Robin!! Why didn’t I think of that?!? Oh yeah, I did. I emailed him again……fast forward 4 different emails, he finally said that I was 2 words short of his requirement. Now that I know what to expect, it has been ok so far. However, I haven’t received my grade for the paper I turned in last week. I’m still a little nervous about that.

I hurt my back at work yesterday. I had to go to the ER and be evaluated. The staff was expecting me, since the employee health nurse called them. My armband had happy face stickers on it, the lead nurse was my nurse, and I didn’t wait longer than 5 minutes for the ER doctor to come in. Rockstar service…just like I should always get. Haha.

Anyway, I ended up with a bulging disc in my lumbar sacral region, and a compressed nerve. Owie. I got sent home yesterday and cant return until Tuesday. I’m not allowed to lift anything heavier than 10 pounds, and no twisting, kneeling, bending, or squatting. Basically, I can be a chair warmer. So, when I go back I will be orientated to watching the cardiac rhythm monitors. Boring.

How did I hurt my back? I was helping boost a patient up in his bed. He was a heavier patient, almost 400 pounds. There were 3 of us in there. We boosted him and I felt a pop, but it didn’t hurt and I felt like my back cracked, so I didn’t think much of it. The second boost ended with a sharp, burning, numb sensation that went from my lower back all the way down to my right foot. Turns out that pop feeling was my disc moving, and the numbness was the nerve being compressed from the swelling. Yay me. So, I have vicodin for pain. And prednisone to get the swelling down.

I know have no excuse to let my homework pile up. I intend to lay on the couch and catch up with some movie watching, too.

Well, that’s my news. Hope everything is going well with all of you!