Girl Scout Dropout

Archive for March, 2009

I have so much crap stuffed inside of me. It needs to come out. I need to figure out how to make it come out. My head and my heart have been at war over so many things lately. Its such a horrible feeling.

I want it to come out. But its stuck. I can’t make a sound. All I can do is cry or plaster on a smile and carry on like nothing is wrong.

One of these days I’m going to break. And I’m sure it won’t be pretty.

I’ve often wondered where my faith went. Then I wonder if I ever really had faith to begin with. I rarely talk about religion. Especially my own beliefs. But lately, I’ve been feeling empty. Like something is missing from my life. I’m trying to determine if perhaps faith is what is missing.

I grew up going to Sunday School every week. Both of my parents were extremely active in the church. They were on several committees, and even chaired some of them. Then, we moved to Wisconsin. There were only a couple of Methodist churches in the vicinity. So, we went “visiting” them and found one to call our own. As this was happening, I was in the 7th grade. Which meant time to start confirmation classes. My parents sat down with the minister and discussed the requirements, responibilites and whatnot. I’m still not exactly sure what happened, but my dad got really pissed, and I never took the classes.

When my parents divorced, this church essentially turned its back on my mom. They didn’t care that she was suffering. They didn’t care that she and I were about to lose our house because she couldn’t find a job and my dad didn’t have to make mortgage payments.

Watching my mom realize that a lifetime of faith and service had let her down really left a mark on me. Seeing that a congregation would shun a member because she couldn’t make $50 worth of salads for the salad bazaar haunted me. My mom chose feeding us.

Fast forward several years. I wanted to get Taylor baptized. I had a very hard time finding a church that would do it. MAtt wanted her baptized Catholic. I didn’t. Thankfully, because I’m not Catholic and had no intention of converting, that church wouldn’t do it. That saved me one fight.

I found another Methodist church in the area. I sucked it up and made an appointment. Liked the minister and he agreed to baptize her.

Then, Travis and I were planning our wedding. I fell in love with an area Lutheran church. We met with the minister there and paid the money and got married in the church.

For Seth’s baptism, I went back to the Methodist church and had no problems getting him baptized.

During all of this, I researched several different religions. I learned about alternative religions. I studied Wicca for awhile.

I have a few friends that are very devoted to their faith. I’m actually very jealous of that. To think that they can just rely on faith to know that no matter what, they are loved and cherished. A couple of them are Christian, and a couple are Wiccan. Either way, they have a calm about them that I envy.

I figure that as time goes on, something that feels right will eventually come my way. Until then I will keep learning and keep my mind and heart open.

I have officially pulled my head out of my ass. It was a long process. I liken it to labor. But, my head has been firmly and successfully retracted from my ass. And its kinda nice to breathe some fresh air.

That being done, I am now in the process of reconnecting with the friends that I haven’t talked to in awhile. I’ve appreciated those that have left me in peace and didn’t want to push. And I’ve appreciated those that have emailed or sent me texts.

I have to give a HUGE thank you to Aravis. She sent me a care package with hand lotion, chap stick , and foot creme. And a really great card. Its funny. Out of that whole box, it was the card that meant the most to me. I love cards that have handwritten messages in them. It shows that you care.

Anyway, I can really go off on a tangent about cards. But, that’s not what this is about.

My ex-husband got laid off of work awhile ago. That means we’re out child support money. We are paying triple what we used to pay for child care. One month of child care is equivalent to one of my paychecks.  So, essentially we are down a big chunk of change.

For the first time, we have been forced to play the “what gets paid this month” game. Its not a fun game at all. It makes you sick to your stomach. It makes your phone ring at all hours between 8am-9pm with “unavailable” numbers. It makes you fight with those you are closest too. It makes you doubt yourself and every decision that you make. It makes you fall even deeper into a depression that you have all ready been so desperately trying to avoid falling into.

It got so bad that we actually had to take out a loan on Travis’s profit sharing to get caught up. That was a horrible feeling. I never wanted to touch that money. However, with the economy, I guess its good that we are using it rather than losing it in the stock market.

My laptop took a gigantic shit. Travis was sweet and bought me a new mac laptop. I love it. I’m mad that he used the loan money to do this. But, it was such a sweet gesture. He knows how much my computer means to me.

Then, there’s the fact that work has been hellacious lately. We’ve been forced to take low census days and burn vacation hours to get paid. We are working understaffed for the patient load that is on our floor. Its only a matter of time before a major error is made or a patient or employee gets hurt because of this. The stress level at work is just unbelievable. For the first time, I hate being a nurse. I dread having to go to work. I’m coming home crying. Upper managment doesn’t care. We’ve all tried talking to them. But it falls on deaf ears. They are just looking at the bottom number. For the first time, I feel like a number and not a nurse. The quality of my patient care is declining and I can’t help it. And I hate it. And I’m vocal. I think any shot I had at a lead nurse promotion is gone. I’m constantly trying to be an advocate for my co-workers.

I just told you what a sweetie Travis was with the new computer. Here’s what a crappy wife I am. He informed me the other night that it has been a year since we have had sex. Apparently he marked it on a calendar at work. A year. 365 days. Who goes that long without having sex? I guess I do. The really sad part? I don’t miss it. I’m just too damn tired to want it. Dealing with work, the house and the kids, the last thing I have time for is sex. I know Travis misses it. I don’t. We’ve talked about this. He knows how I feel and has accepted it. But the thing is, he shouldn’t have to accept it. I don’t know if this is a side effect from the depression, the stress of my life right now, or both.

Well, that’s what has been going on around here lately. I’m going to start catching up on everyone’s blog and comment. I’ve missed all of you and hope tht things are going better for you.

And by “It”, I mean me. And by “Lives”, I mean barely. These past couple of weeks have just been kicking my ass. Top it off with putting in 40 hours over the last 3 days on less than 10 hours sleep, and I am the perfect storm of a nervous breakdown just waiting to happen.

I was going to talk about how work sucks. But, to be honest, I would like to purge this last weekend from my memory forever.

I would like to talk about what is going on in my bank account, but I really don’t want to do that either.

I could talk about me and Travis, and the comment he said to me the other night. But I should warn him about taking it public first.

I don’t want to bitch or whine. I want to be happy. I want to feel happy.

So, I’m going to go take a very happy pill and take my oh-so -wanna-be -happy ass to bed. Night everyone.

I’ve been around. I’ve been reading your posts. I’ve been horrible at commenting lately.

I’m in an icky place right now. I’m not exactly sure how to describe it. But its not a place that anyone should ever visit. I want to come back, and I’m working on that.

There’s too much going on in my head and in my life to even try to make sense of the madness. I’m at a point where I don’t even know where to begin.

I don’t want to be stuck in this hell. And I’m trying to claw my way back to the top.

I have a lot of half written posts in my head. I may decide to put them down and publish them. Be patient with me.

Just know that I love all of you.