Girl Scout Dropout

Archive for June, 2009

Those are just two construction machines that I am way too familiar with. This construction craze began when Seth became obsessed. Right around a year a half.

I can tell you the ins and outs of how big machinery work, and all the parts to it. Am I proud of this fact? Kinda. Am I happy that I can make Seth happy? Hell yeah.

Is it possible to get embarrassed due to a child’s interest? Unfortunately, yes it is possible.

We are getting a new Walgreen’s about 2 blocks away from us. A new building means construction. Something that my child was quick to point out before the ground was broken. Every day for the past 6 months we have either drivern by, or walked by, this site.

When we drive, I have to put the window down so Seth can scrutinize every last detail.

It has gotten to the point that I automatically go that way even when I am by myself in the car. I have even stopped to watch. By myself.

The first time I stopped, sans child, one of the construction workers walked over to me and asked if I wanted to let my son out to see the equipment. I almost died as I explained that I just came out of habit and that my son was actually at preschool. You should have seen the look he gave me.

I will admit it, there are some fine looking workers at this site. And they know think that I am bringing my child there are a ruse to see them. As I said, embarrassing.

However, I still drive by that site a minimum of twice a day to keep my son happy.

I never realized that I would have to choose between a child’s happiness and my own embarrassment. Hands down, their happiness wins every time. Besides, those who know me all ready know that I embarrass myself all the time

It was one week ago today that I joined Weight Watchers. Tonight was my meeting, and weigh in. I have been really nervous about this day since I joined.

I didn’t join on a whim. I had been thinking about it for awhile. However, I didn’t have the food to back up the lifestyle. So I just kinda went with it until I could go grocery shopping, which was 3 days later. There was also an unplanned dinner at Taco Bell because the dogs ate our planned dinner.

With all that, I still managed to lose 2 pounds exactly! And that made me so damn happy!!

If I really follow the guidelines this week and toss exercise into the equation, I should do good on the scales next week! Go me!!

Taylor is in the midst of writing a letter to her biological dad, Matt. This is essentially a “fuck you” letter. Its been in the making since she has been a year and a half.

She sounds off on him about how he never sees her, never calls, never even acknowledges her when they are t the same place at the same place at the same time. Matt actually tells his 2 sons that Taylor is their cousin! Who does that?!?

I’m sure it doesn’t help that Becky (that is his wife’s name, I couldn’t make that up if I tried) treats Taylor like crap. She got mad this past Christmas when she realized that Matt actually bought her a gift card to the mall. Tay calls her the Step Bitch. To her face.

For as long as Matt and I have been divorced, I have been careful to not make any negative statements about him in front of her. I have supported her relationship with his parents. Even after I learned that they weren’t being as nice to me. This is what is the hardest for me.

How do you try to put a rational spin on why someone is a complete asshole? It jut doesn’t sound right…”sorry your dad forgot you turned 13 and didn’t call. I’m sure he’s just busy at work.” “Maybe he didn’t get you a Christman present for the 5th year in a row because he doesn’t do te shopping.”

I’m so glad that Taylor is now old enough and can see what a jerk he is for herself.

How can a man that has 2 other kids ignore his firstborn? How can his wife let him get away with that?

I don’t know how to wrap my own head around this. Never mind trying to explain it to a teenager.

We have been through therapy. Many nights of tears. Many days of anger. Now, its just indifference. And that’s almost the worst of them all. She just doesn’t care anymore.

In this letter, she tells him off. She calls him out on his childish behavior. She fills him in on how great her grades are and that she has a boyfriend. She tells him goodbye.

I wonder if I should really let her mail this. I have 2 fears. The first is that she will regret sending it. She says she won’t, but not 100% convinced of that. The second is what is what if he retaliates and calls her and says some vicious things to her?

I’m also very proud of her that she is taking control of her emotions. I love that I have raised her to think and act for herself. I’m just not sure she’s quite ready to handle the consequences.

I had to go to my yearly physical on Monday. The one that every woman always looks forward to. Part of this lovely ritual is getting weighed. I have a strit aversion to scales. I don’t like them. I don’t like to step one them. I can tell how my weight is doing based on my clothes.

Now, I will be completely honest with you as well as with myself. These past couple of years I have noticed my weight creep up. A little bit here, a few more pounds there. I don’t notice it too much wth my clothes, because I tend to live in yoga oants on my days of from work. And at work I wear scrubs.

I will be even a bit more honest. I think part of the reason I wear yoga pants is because they are a little more accommadating of an expanding waistline.

I stepped on the scale and braced myself for the shock. All the while I was hoping to be pleasantly surprised. And there was a surprise. Just not a pleaseant one.

I weight about 5 pounds shy of what I weighed when I went into the hospital to have Seth.

This number could not be right. I stepped off, zeroed it out again and restepped back one. Same number. Crap. That is really what I weigh.

I also started looking at pictures of me that were taken over the past couple of weeks. I don’t like what I see. And I don’t mean the little nit-picky things most people agonize about. I saw my arms. I saw my face, and the double chin that shows in all my smiles. I saw my stomach. I was not amused.

Monday evening I went to a local Weight Watcher’s branch and joined. I did this years ago and I had a good time and lost weight. I’m hoping to repeat this experience. I need to support of a group. Evenmore than that, I need to be held accountable. If I don’t have that, I won’t do it. I have a hard time with willpower when it comes to food.

Here’s to learning to love fruits and veggies again. And to staying out of my kid’s snack food!

I am still cracking up at my absolute dorkiness about this. So, I thought I’d share a total “me” moment.

Taking the train from NYC back to Jersey would take about an hour and 15 mins or so. Knowing this I decided that I would pee before we left the city.

After all, the trains have signs on all the doors that say something to the effect of “No changing cars while train is moving”. Bascially this sign is telling the world to stay in your seat until your stop. And under no circumstances are you to get up and wander into a different train car.

I mean, hello, the train is moving! And seeing as how this was only my second train ride, I take train signs as the law. Hard to believe, but I do tend to follow posted signs. Except speed limits, and no public nudity

Anyway, after standing in a long enough line, it was my turn. I walked into the stall and saw a toilet seat cover dispenser. I got all excited about seeing that. I have a thing about public restroom germs. As I’m pulling out my seat cover, I look down and realize that the toilet has no cover. Its just the bowl that’s staring at me.

Crap. Now what? Do I exit the stall only to stand back in line again? Really not an option seeing as how I only had a few minutes before the train was due to pull in. My only option, was the hover.

Now, this toilet was a round toilet. I was wearing yoga pants. Not an ideal combination to hover with.

I spent a few frantic moments manuevering my feet at odd angles arond the bowl to achieve maximum clearance. I sure as hell wasn’t going to take my sneakers off to take one leg out of my pants, which would have made life easier. Stocking feet on the Penn Station bathroom floor? Uh, no.

All the while I am doing this, I am getting more and more mad at the woman who exited the stall before me. She didn’t warn me. She gave no clue of what was waiting for me. No, she actually had the audiacity to smile at me. I have a quite a few words that I wanted to call her.

After I successfully peed without peeing on myself or the floor, I exited the stall. For one brief moment I thought about warning the next woman in line But I decided against it. I still feel kinda bad about that, but I have gotten over it.

Later that night, I’m trying to explain to Emily how I navigated my way around the toilet. I actually stood up and showed my fancy footwork moves. We just about died laughing

I have learned, sometimes its better just ot hold it. Or just be brave and ignore the train signs. After all, everybody else does.

I made it back alive and with my checking account still showing a positive balance Which means that I had a great time on my little vacation.

It started out flying to Philadelphia to meet my Emily. I’ve gotten to know her over the past year via Twitter and various text marathons and facebook chatting. My flight was fairly uneventful, except it was an hour late. But O’Hare is famous for even longer delays, so an hour was nothing. We checked into our room at the Omni and promptly went out to eat and have a few drinks.

On Thursday we took a “duck” tour around the city. An extremely dorky, touristy thing to do, but it was so much fun. Then we saw the Libery Bell. I was introduced to Philly cheesesteaks. It was heaven. I also learned about the big cheese debate. Mine was made with American cheese. After stuffing our faces, we went to the Franklin Institute and wandered all around the exhibits, including the Galileo and Star Trek ones.

Dustin met us at our hotel and we went on a walking ghost tour. A little cheesey, but fun We then had dinner and a few drinks. It was then decided we would go see a drag show! Hmm, wonder who suggested that?!? This was my first drag show and it was great. The lovely Miss Lisa Lisa dragged me onto her little stage to dance. It was embarrassing, but fun, and I have a t-shirt!

Friday meant NYC day. I took my first train ride into Penn Station. Aravis came down to spend the day with us, as did Dustin. We walked all around to see the sights and window shop. We did venture into Tiffany’s and I got to try on 3 stone anniversary rings. The biggest rock cost over $100,000! And it was on my finger. I also tried on a $28, 000 ring, but I preferred the bigger one We had dinner at the delightful Serendipity. I think all of us had to be rolled out of there.

Saturday was Atlantic City. Emily and I had fun strolling through the casinos and walking along the boardwalk. We ate pizza and funnel cake. Out of all the hotels we stayed at, the one in AC was the worst, and it cost the most. We also had crappy service. The bathroom was large, and white. Not clean white, but dingy white. It was all tiled and it looked like autopsies or other crimes would be committed in there. There was a hole along the floor and I’m pretty certain that Jimmy Hoffa may be buried in there.

On Sunday I had a late breakfast with Emily, her sister and her mom. I love Emily’s mom! She is so sweet. And she made sure that I never had an empty glass of soda.

This was a great trip. I never once felt out of place. I felt comfortable. It was like a getting together with a few friends to catch up. It was funny to hear each of us ask questions about things we have blogged about in the past. It made me realize how much information we out out about ourselves, and how much we hold back until asked further. Plus, Dustin told me that I really talk about some personal stuff All of us opened up and didn’t have a “front” on. It was great. I’m all ready making plans for a trip out there this fall.

I do have a few other things that happened that I will blog about. But for right now, I just want to enjoy the memories.

As I write this, I an laying on a big, comfy bed from my hotel in Philly! I will be here until Friday, when I head out to NYC, and on Saturday I will be in Atlantic City.

I’m hanging out with my friend Emily. Dustin is meeting us tomorrow and Friday. And Aravis is showing up for New York on Friday! YAY!!

See ya when I get home on Sunday!

I look at my daughter and I think of all the wonderful changes that lay ahead for her. I look at my son and I can see the changes in him every day. I look at my husband and I wonder about the changes he and I have been through over the course of our relationship. I look at myself and I just think “holy shit! When did (insert body part) decide to start jiggling?”

Its no secret that I will be 35 in 2 months. I’m coming to terms with that. I say that now…just wait until August

What I can’t figure out is why the hell my body is turning against me! Seriously!

I used to have fabulous boobs. Really awesome ones. They were beautiful. Yep, used to and were. All past tense. They know hang a little lower than what they should. One is bigger than the other. Just enough so it makes bra shopping a real bitch. Its not outwardly noticeable, but I can see it from a mile away. To quote the fabulous Debra Barone, “these are working boobs!”.

My legs. Somewhere along the lines, they have decided to not be so smooth as they once were. I can scrub, buff and exfoliate to my heart’s content. Now they sorta resemble fish scales. And the pale color rivals Casper. And they itch. Then I scratch. then I get all kinds of scratch marks from it, which itch even more as they heal. Its a vicious cycle.

My face. I can count the number of zits I had in high school on one hand. These past couple of years, its as if my face decided it was going to go through puberty! WTF?!? This I totally blame on hormones.

Dear God….hormones. One minute I’m  freezing, the next I’m sweating. I can be so bitchy that I don’t like to be around myself. its hard to run away from your own piss-ass mood.

My uterus. This lovely organ turned on me the minute I saw 2 blue lines that nine months later was Taylor. It has never been the same. I can’t count on it for anything. It has no concept of 28 days. It likes 14 days or 52 days, and every other number in between. I can count on it to rear its oh-so pleasant self when I have something fun planned. Or a yearly pap appointment. Never fails. Vacation? Hello uterus. Wear white scrub bottoms. Hello puke inducing cramps.

Somewhere over the past few years, I have become different. As much as I fight it, I just can’t seem to win. I know I will never get my pre-baby body back. But dammit, I should be able to get something back!!

And that is the difference between the old me and the new me. I will not give up.

This past weekend I was in Kentucky. Which by the way is a beautiful state, despite what images may automatically com einto your head. In fact, a couple of people were doing a really, really great sales pitch for moving to KY, until I learned its ok to carry a concealed weapon. But that’s a whole different post.

I was so excited about this weekend. I had been looking forward to it for a couple of months. I was happy to reunite with some old friends and excited to make new ones.

I was debating if I would be drinking this weekend. The first drink I had just didn’t taste good and then I just stuck with Coke and water.Besides, sometimes its fun to be the sober one and watch all the drunks.

I did have a great time. I did meet some wonderful people. I had some interesting conversations about oral sex, and nature vs nurture. I watched one of my best friends go from sober to trashed in less than half an hour….which was highly entertaining

But staying sober meant that I stayed somewhat quiet. I tend to do better in smaller groups. I stayed in my little area on the deck. Different people came over and chatted and moved on. I stayed put. I think Travis may have talked to more people than I did.

I was looking forward to talking to a few certain people. I hugged, said hello and got quiet. When I had an opportunity while getting food, its as if my brain froze and I couldn’t think of a freaking thing to say. I really, really hate when that happens.

I’m normally not shy. I don’t normally blend into the background. But this weekend I let both of those things happen.

I missed a chance to get to know somebody better. I talked to her for about 3 minutes. And that was it. Then the thought pops into my brain “what if she just didn’t want to get to know me?”.

When did I all of a sudden go back to high school mentality? In high school I was quiet. I was always labeled a snob. At times I still am called that. I never was. I still am not. I just had a hard time initiating conversation, and apparently I still do. And it really sucks. Big time.

But, I did get to watch one of my best friends really come out of her shell and hold her own. That was awesome to see. I was so freaking proud of her. Janelle babe, you rocked this weekend!

I had a great time driving from Chicago to Lexington with Sheila and her husband. And for the record….it takes about 6 hours to make that drive. Not 4 hours some people (and you know who you are) swore up and down about. And no, I will not let that one go for a looooonnng time. Maybe right around the time I let go of saying “this is me turning on the light and flipping you off”. Mah Sheila, I love you so effing much!

Tuesday I have to work. Then on Wednesday I leave for Philly for a great vacation with my Emily. I have 2 days in Philly, one day in NYC and one day in Atlantic City. And my Aravis is coming to NYC for the day. And Dustin should be there, too! I’m too lazy to link right now….sorry.

And I will not be quiet!

I have trained in my new postition the past 2 days. Which were the worst days possible. We have officially split with the other side of the floor, beoming 2 separate business units…collaborative care (cc) and 5 south. The cc unit is a new idea to healthcare which I won’t bore you with. I find it boring.

My problem with this new unit is that they are able to take 19 patients. They only have 10. They are refusing to take admits. Because “we need time to get used to way of doing this”. Bullshit. I am totally calling bullshit, shenanagins and every other word under the sun.

I have a 22 ned unit. We have staff for a 22 bed unit. Due to cc having major redwoods up their ass, we have to take patients on the 4th floor. Which means we need to beg for float staff, and spread CNA’s over 2 floors. Not cool. Not good for patient safety, patient satisfaction, or staff satisfaction.

Yesterday, I got paged with 5 ER admits, 2 direct calls from a hospitalist acceptind direct admits, 1 cardiac admit, and 1 renal admit. All these in 30 minutes. My staff was all redy at 4-5 patients. They each had to take an admit. I had to take asigned surgical beds for pm surgeries and give them to these admits. We were banking on having some discharges, but that didn’t happen.

In the break room, the lead for the cc unit was telling me how busy she was with 10 patients, and as much as she would love to take some admits, they just can’t. They have 3 teams of 3, plus a lead, and several back up staff to help. I told her that I just got 9 admits, 2 of them being patients she should take and that I had to beg and plead the neuro floor to take one for us. I also said I don’t get how they can be that busy when they have more staff on than patients on the floor.

She tattled on me. She told her supervisor that I had took on an attitude with her and made some underlying comments.

She’s lucky I didn’t jump across the table and strangle her.

My supervisor had to have a “talk” with me. I’m not in trouble. Sally (my sup) understood my frustration. I asked if I had to apologize. She said no, and the she realized it wan’t a one-sided conversation. I said good, because if I had to apologize I really wouldn’t have meant it.

I’m just pissed. Who tattles over something like that? Seriously, grow up! If you can sit there and be all smug and trite, you better expect a little attitude back.

Now, I realize that I really should have been the bigger, better person and just kept my mouth shut. But it just flew out before I could stop it. Damn verbal diarrhea. Whatever.

I will just be happy when they are at full capacity and I don’t have to hear “we have to support cc as they grow”. We need to support our damn staff and unit.

I’m glad I’m done for the week and only work one day next week…then vacation. My mental health needs that.