Girl Scout Dropout

Archive for August, 2009

And its the start of a new one. My baby girl starts high school today. High school. As in the last school she will go to before college.

In the morning I will drop her off at the same high school that I went to. She will make all the wonderful and not so wonderful memories that high school forces us to have. She will endure the absolute cattiness that only teenage girls are capable of showing. She will learn to manage her time. She will learn how to really study. She will start learning how to break free from me, so that she can spread her wings.

It seems like yesterday I was holding her hand and walking into kindergarten with her. Giving her that reassuring hug that everything will be ok. That mom will be there when the bell rings to pick her up, and that we will get ice cream.

Now I’m there for her when her friends start fighting and try to draw her into the middle. I’m there when her boyfriend is being a douche. I’m there when her friends are having problems and have no where else to turn.

I’m the mother of a high schooler. Its a whole new game. I don’t know the rules. I don’t know what to do. This is where I’m supposed to step back a bit and watch her live. Let her live. Watch her make mistakes. Help her when she fails. Let her fail. I’m not sure I can do that. I don’t know how to do that.

I’ve watched Taylor grow over these past 14 1/2 years. I can see the little girl from years ago. I see the young woman she is. I can see the woman she is trying so desperately to become. I hear her speak her mind. I listen to her talk about her ideas and her opinions on world views. And she impresses me. I have no idea how I’m so lucky to have her as my daughter.

Tomorrow, I have to let her spread her wings. And I don’t think I’m ready. But I will do it. She deserves it.

I am one week into my big return to school. When I used to say that, I would hear trumpets playing in the background. Kinda like in the old Imperial margarine commercials. Now when I say, I hear the funeral march playing. Yes, the honeymoon is over. I am no longer enthused with my decision to go back to school.

Its only one class. That’s all I’m in right now. Its one class at a time. Not like that’s a back breaker or anything. Its still full time. It comes out 12 credits a semester.

But I have apparently become a little less intelligent since I graduated. Maybe more than a “little less”. My ego is not happy. Which means my mind is not happy. Which in turn makes me a very sad, weepy, depressed bitch. Yep. That’s where we are folks. Come on over to Happyville….population 0.

I got my grade back today on my first assignment. I got a C. I don’t get C’s. I’ve never gotten a C before in my life.  Except in high school. But I was busy with other priorities back then. Ever since I’ve had to pay for my education, I’ve never gotten anything below a B. And I had a fit at those B’s. I received a total of 4 of them on assignments. The memory is burned into the forefront of my brain.

This C has turned me upside down. Is it a sign? An omen? A foreshadowing of horrors to come? I want to quit. But quitting isn’t in my nature. I don’t want to set that kind of example to Taylor. You don’t quit when it gets tough. But I want to. I really, really want to.

My stomach hurts. I internalize my stress. I’m going to go take half a bottle of Tums and watch TV. And try to forget that C exists.

Look who remembered she has a blog! So, what’s been going on lately?

I got approved for my financial aid for school. In fact, I start tomorrow. I’m also scared poopless about this. This is a real university. Not a state community college. I had to order 2 books that are scaring the crap out of me. One is a reference manual on how grammar and punctuation. The other book is all about how to use the APA. I actually had a nightmare about it last night. I’ve more than my share of doubts about this. I’m really beginning to think that I may be over my head on this one.

I turned 35 last week. 35. That’s just a number. It really means nothing. And yet I can’t help but feel like I am a total failure. I had so many plans and dreams for myself when I was younger. Some are even from 10-15 years ago. I’m not the doctor that I had planned on being. I don’t live in Boston. I haven’t traveled the globe. Instead I’m 35 and starting on my BSN. I have a family that depend on me. I’ve never been off of this continent. I live in Wisconsin. Right now I feel as if my life is one gigantic epic fail.

My mom came out to visit the first week of August. We actually had a really good visit. I was so happy to have her here. My kids were beyond excited to have grandma at the house. She left the day after my birthday. I’ve kinda been in a funk ever since. I’m not in my happy place, but I’m not in my dark place.

Work is pretty icky right now. There’s been so many changes going on that the staff are just ornery. And they take it out on the leads. I would treat a person the way some of these nurses treat me and the other leads. I honestly feel as if my job title  should Emotional Punching Bag. I also think that I’m getting an ulcer. I’m taking prilosec like candy and popping tums 24/7.

That’s it for now. I have to start blogging regularly again. Its cheaper than therapy.