Girl Scout Dropout

Archive for October, 2009

I’ve written this about 100 times in my head. Within the boundaries of my brain, I can make it sound elegant. I can spin it so it doesn’t sound dark, dreary, or scary. But the truth is, I can feel it coming back. I can feel its cold, lifeless hands slowly grasp my neck and start to pull me under.

It starts the same. The stress about money, bills, where to come up with $600 for the down payment the orthodontist needs for Taylor’s braces. Where will the money come from for Christmas? Then, I start thinking about the holidays. Usually I try to work as many as I can. This year, I’m only working Thanksgiving. I have to face the fact that we celebrate holidays alone.

I look around my living room. I can snuggle with my dogs, and my kids. I feel nothing. I feel so empty on the inside. I can smile and put on a show. But on the inside I am crying. On the inside it hurts. I can feel those hands trying to pull me under. I can feel myself trying to struggle to keep breathing. But its hard. And its not new. I will keep breathing.

This class that I’m taking ends tonight at midnight. Right now I’m getting an 83%. Needless to say, right now I am less than enthused. I turned in my final paper Saturday night. I have a test that I downloaded that I have to take and turn in tonight. I really don’t want to take it. It isn’t going to make a difference in my grade.

This morning my professor sent us an email wishing us good luck in our future classes and to send him an email if we need any help or just to say hi…..blah blah blah. Then he tells us that he graded our papers and group projects extra hard. Why? It seems that because so many of my classmates, myself included, do want to go on to graduate school. That being said, he decided to grade our papers to grad school standards…..without telling us! Who does that?

I will admit that my paper writing skills are rusty. Its been awhile since I’ve had to do a research paper or write academically. I’m starting to get the hang of this damn APA thing. My papers have met all the requirements that were listed on the grading rubric. I can see taking a point or so off for an iffy introduction, or I didn’t line up my reference page properly. But to continually give me 80% and then tell me that I’m doing an “excellent job”….blow me.

I had so many other things I wanted to write about. My 10 year wedding anniversary was on Friday. I’ve been in a really bad place lately and want to quit school. My baby girl had her first homecoming dance. Instead, I’m writing about this prick of a teacher because he pissed me off and I just had to whine about it.

And to top it all of, its snowing outside! Yuck.